fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I want a musical about memes.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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