He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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