The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
