I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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