Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
