he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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