Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
