we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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