WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
