Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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