I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
