Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
