either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i was born a porn star she said
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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