One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
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Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
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You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.