i think my tv is drunk
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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