I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
being pregnant is like rehab
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
