Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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