between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
