We won't sleep together?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
