it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
