Have you finally orgasmed yet?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
