i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
