help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
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