How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
