I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
