I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I got inside last night via doggy door
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
