so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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