just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
