and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
