My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
