the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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