My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
