If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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