Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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