either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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