I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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