two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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