true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
