I'm gonna have a badass scar
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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