thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
