Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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