Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
