I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
