im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
someone threw a dead crab at me
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
