The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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