you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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