Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
