Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
