She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i've created a new STD.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
