so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
