If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
