How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I can't turn off my feet"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
