I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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