Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
