you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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