I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
