Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Dignity is for republicans.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
