Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
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Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
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I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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